We never thought this was an update we would have to share, but we trust that the Lord is sovereign over every detail of our story.
For a month I carried a baby in my heart and last night I “miscarried.” This child, who never belonged to us but to our Heavenly Father, we were asked to surrender back to Him. Our hearts are sad and our grief has no place. Unfortunately, there is no social category for failed adoption. Its disenfranchised grief. But we serve a Father who loves us and offers us a place to drop our grief, at the foot of the cross.
November was adoption awareness month and I think it was appropriate that it was also the month of our journey with mom H. We started the month meeting her and learning we were expecting a baby boy. On the final day of the month it all came to an end when she decided to parent. This experience has opened my eyes. From the moment I met her, I knew I would never be the same again. I would never look at adoption the same. It was real, her grief was real. As we spent more time with her this unnatural relationship became a friendship. Two women on different journeys but both praying to the same God that His will be done for this child.
Starting this journey my biggest fear was a failed adoption. I specifically prayed the Lord would not allow us to have to go through this. But now we have and guess what? I am still standing. We hope we will not have to experience this again but I am no longer in fear because now I know, our gracious Lord is waiting on the other side for us.
We felt strongly this was our baby. There were specific details only the Lord could have designed. However, he didn’t get it wrong. We are right where He wanted us to be, as hard as that is for us to comprehend. We may not understand now but we don’t have to wonder. We can only trust He is not done writing our story.
We are so grateful for everyone who celebrated a short while with us. We are even more grateful to know we have friends whose hearts are breaking with us. We had a choice last night of how we would respond. Mack and I decided to go out for dinner and talk about all that we are grateful for and celebrate what God has done in our lives.
I think it is also appropriate we have just entered into the season of advent. Advent is simply a season of expectant waiting and preparation. That is just what Mack and I will continue to do. Wait and prepare our hearts for our baby that God will one day bring home to us.
“Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see
And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through is all, through it all… It is well.”