It is well with my soul

We never thought this was an update we  would have to share, but we trust that the Lord is sovereign over every detail of our story.

For a month I carried a baby in my heart and last night I “miscarried.” This child, who never belonged to us but to our Heavenly Father, we were asked to surrender back to Him. Our hearts are sad and our grief has no place. Unfortunately, there is no social category for failed adoption. Its disenfranchised grief. But we serve a Father who loves us and offers us a place to drop our grief, at the foot of the cross.

November was adoption awareness month and I think it was appropriate that it was also the month of our journey with mom H. We started the month meeting her and learning we were expecting a baby boy. On the final day of the month it all came to an end when she decided to parent. This experience has opened my eyes. From the moment I met her, I knew I would never be the same again. I would never look at adoption the same. It was real, her grief was real. As we spent more time with her this unnatural relationship became a friendship. Two women on different journeys but both praying to the same God that His will be done for this child.

Starting this journey my biggest fear was a failed adoption. I specifically prayed the Lord would not allow us to have to go through this. But now we have and guess what? I am still standing. We hope we will not have to experience this again but I am no longer in fear because now I know, our gracious Lord is waiting on the other side for us.

We felt strongly this was our baby. There were specific details only the Lord could have designed. However, he didn’t get it wrong. We are right where He wanted us to be, as hard as that is for us to comprehend. We may not understand now but we don’t have to wonder. We can only trust He is not done writing our story.

We are so grateful for everyone who celebrated a short while with us. We are even more grateful to know we have friends whose hearts are breaking with us. We had a choice last night of how we would respond. Mack and I decided to go out for dinner and talk about all that we are grateful for and celebrate what God has done in our lives.

I think it is also appropriate we have just entered into the season of advent. Advent is simply a season of expectant waiting and preparation. That is just what Mack and I will continue to do. Wait and prepare our hearts for our baby that God will one day bring home to us.

“Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see
And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through is all, through it all… It is well.”

8 thoughts on “It is well with my soul

  • Beautiful, Jessica! Words could never convey how proud Dad & I are of both you & Mack. Thank you for choosing to celebrate all the Lord’s blessings in your life & not to focus just on your loss. You both are teaching us so much as we observe your journey from a front row seat. Proud, humbled & in awe of you we stand! Much love sweetheart, Mom

  • I’m so sorry for your loss. And it is a very real loss of a very real child. We had a failed adoption in April and I felt the same – I didn’t think I could survive such disappointment but God walked me through every minute and we just kept putting one foot in front of the other. Praying for gods perfect healing on your heart – and that in future adoptive situations that you would still have excitement for what is to come rather than trepidation from the past. X

    • Thank you Emily! I loved reading some of your story this morning on your blog. God really does write the best stories, even when they are difficult and not always pretty.

  • Truly beautiful – the grace, trust, and faith you have in such heartbreaking disappoint. So sorry for the loss of that sweet boy. My parents endured two failed adoptions prior to receiving me and my brother. The Lord works in the most mysterious ways and He is definitely preparing one mothers heart to give their little one the best gift imaginable – unending love and family. They often talk about the wait and uncertainty – but God’s perfect timing in it all. My parents got a call for a baby boy, my brother, 3 hours after his birth out of the blue and unplanned. His ways are perfect. The Lord is writing the greatest story for you, Mack and Baby Kitchel ❤️

  • Prayers for you and Mack! Oh my heart. Your journey will continue to give hope. May your hearts heal and continue to stay open and warm as you anticipate the precious baby that will call you mom and dad.

  • This is just beautiful. A miscarriage sesms like an incredibly appropriate word, and I hope you feel that your grief has a place. Thank you for sharing – praying for you and Mack!

  • Your love and trust is far deeper that any one person should have. I stand in awe of you. Love – your mom in law…

  • I love you, my beautiful friend. Your words are amazing and your faith is awesome! I’m continuing to pray for you and Mack. Xoxo!

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