First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone who has reached out after my last post. I was blown away by the response I received. Right before hitting send I remember thinking to myself “are you sure you want to do this?” Within minutes of submitting my post the comments started to pour in. Mack walked into our room to find me standing there in tears. I was so overwhelmed. It’s a very scary thing to be vulnerable and hearing from all of you gave me validation that publishing it was the right thing. It’s the times we are the most scared that the outcome is the most beautiful.
November came with different emotions, it’s the beginning of my favorite time of the year but it also marked the two-year anniversary for us with infertility. What drives me to share so openly about our struggle is how unprepared I was going into this. I was talking with a friend the other day about my experiences. How I felt unprepared and how I wished there was a handbook to guide me through each new experience. Stuffed somewhere in a drawer in my room, is the book What to Expect Before You’re Expecting. I remember reading through it with excitement, taking mental notes and following after much of its helpful advice. Long after it was put away and forgotten about. What I realized was there was no chapter to prepare me for what to expect when you are having difficulties.
Last month was pretty stressful for me. In fact if I were in a horror movie, stress would have been my killer. All of this stress brought me to a place of restlessness. I felt like God was asking me to release several things to Him and to be honest, I was just exhausted. Since then God has brought me to a crossroad. I saw complete and utter trust to the right and areas of resistance to the left. I started to take my first steps towards the right and with each step I felt the weight begin to be lifted off my shoulders. I am uncertain of what lies ahead but I know I have already tried the other path. It only led to What If and If Only. Both are spiritual diseases, the first leads to anxiety and the second to anger.
One morning as I was praying through having the strength to continue down this path God shared this verse with me.
Luke 12:22, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”
It was through this verse that a small light suddenly appeared on my path. I can’t see further than my next step but with each step I feel myself to get stronger.
What are your serious What If’s? What are your silly What If’s? Are you ready to give them to God and leave them there? A practical way to deal with our what if questions, is beautifully summed up in the Serenity Prayer.
God grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will, so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.